Ascending the Glass Mountain

Maybe I’m not explaining myself properly. I’m insecure because I want to spend every waking moment with the people currently in my life, yet I have not felt reciprocity on this from anyone I’ve ever known. I don’t know what warrants a legitimate reason to be around someone, because I would rather be with them, at any time, regardless of reason, than alone, even if not a word was to be spoken.

I don’t know when or why I changed. I guess it was because of weed, who knows? The point is that for the first 95% of my life I did not want to be around other people. Again, I can’t explain why, this is just how I was. I didn’t learn at age-appropriate times how to build relationships because I didn’t give a shit.

I guess I’ve met enough people that I care about that it’s changed my tune on being an introvert. Sadly, though, I don’t know how to dance to the new beat. It’s scary because I’ve not been one to care about things. I’ve literally beeninterestedin four girls my entire life. Never been interested in a guy, just extremely picky about my taste in the fairer sex, I suppose. I don’t know how to handle this because math-wise it means I’ma be just chillin for another 3-4 years for the next one to pique my interest.

You talk a lot about being true to yourself. Well at this point all I can say I want is to have relationships with people that entail what they enjoy doing. If it’s something that I dislike, I’m not interested, of course. I just want to spend as much time with the people I know as I can. Maybe it’s anxiety about the future, whatever it will be. I think it’s more anxiety about the past, what I can’t change. Even if I don’t need to change it, I consistently feel like I haven’t done the right things to be the person I want to be today. I’m trying to do those things now, despite them not panning out the way I had envisioned.

Like never saying no. How many parties did you and Evan invite me to that I turned down? Many… I can’t believe I hadn’t been to Todd’s house until this year. The point is, that I’ve been saying yes, consistently, for the better part of a year now and it still has not gotten me where I hope to be. Not that I can qualify it 100% specifically, I just know that what I used to have is not what I want to continue to have.

I tell people “anytime” or “yeah, just let me know when you want to” trying to leave the onus on them because I cannot bring myself to initiate things because of insecurity. Unfortunately that insecurity is not based in fantasy; it’s realer than most other things I’m insecure about. I can’t just keep getting no’s and be Mr. Positivity all the time. I have to question it. If you don’t, that is a weakness. Sorry to pass a judgement; I’m not saying my level of neuroses is the answer, either. A balance of the two is probably fair. To say that I shouldn’t read into it and figure out why I’m not said yes to more will only lead me to take less and less initiative. Any initiative I have ever taken was because I previously overthought something which is informing my desire to take said initiative.

I’ve changed a lot of things about myself based on other people’s input. Despite the feedback since being positive, it’s still feeling like it’s never going to be enough. I know what you’re thinking: “if he’s changing things about himself because of what other people think, he’s not being true to himself.” I guess I don’t dispute that general sentiment, however, I don’t know who I am. All I know I want to be is the accumulation of mutual experiences with those I choose to have in my life. Sure there are more people that fit that criterion at this time compared to this time last year. That doesn’t mean I’m any closer to the confidence, security, self-respect, etc. I thought would result. Even though I’m having those experiences, it still isn’t enough because I’m constantly questioning the sincerity and interest of the other involved parties.

I’m tired of writing messages I don’t send. Maybe it’s actually positive and cathartic to put my thoughts on paper and not have the intended recipient see them. Maybe it is. I don’t know. It sure feels like shit though, constantly being unsure of the intended recipient’s opinion of you. What if they might have been your best friend, except you sent them this message, or communicated this thought, questioning the level of friendship and it never gets to that level?